MANURE MEMO: We start our news chewing in Brookings, South Dakota, where last week they hosted the exciting North American Manure Expo. According to manure experts, the USA is Number One in Number Two. The manure industry even has its own trade publication. No, I’m not talking about the National Enquirer.
DOGGY DOINGS: In Fort St John, plans for an impressive new dog park are moving forward. It will be a special place for dogs to run and play. The dogs of Dawson Creek are going to be jealous when they hear the news. Many years ago I lived near a dog park in Vancouver. I didn’t own a dog, but I had one of those silent dog whistles. Blowing the whistle and watching the confusion was more fun than actually owning a dog.
WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Still on the topic of dogs, a new study shows dogs like it when you “baby talk” at them. They do not enjoy those times when you discuss nuclear proliferation, the stock market, and global warming.
STRAW STUFF: Because drinking straws cannot easily be recycled, some Canadian cities may ban them. Meanwhile there’s a report scammers are cheating investors with a fake paper straw company. When it comes to straws, some people are suckers.
DISHONESTY IS THE SECOND BEST POLICY: A psychology study by the University of California shows rich people are more likely to lie and cheat. But not every rich person does that. They hire lawyers to lie and cheat for them.
MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER: A psychic is predicting space aliens will land “down under” next year. I predict aliens will land in Australia, and they will freak out when they see humans walking around upside-down.
COOKIE CHAOS: Oreo cookies are now available in a left-handed package, a package that’s easier for lefties to open. Do we really need this? I have a feeling a large percentage of Oreo packages are ripped open by hungry guys using their teeth.
BRAIN GAIN: Next stop on our news chewing tour is San Francisco, where a company will remove your brain after death and freeze it for future use. Their fee is $100,000. If you can’t afford a $100,000 brain freeze, trying doing the same thing by drinking a Slurpee very fast. Right now the company has a special 50% Off deal. They will preserve half your brain. Later you can thaw out half your brain and get a job with the government.
SUN FUN: NASA launched a solar probe that is now headed towards the sun. The temperature on the sun is a couple million degrees. But it feels like only one million degrees. That’s because it’s a dry heat.
SCIENCE IN ACTION: On TV, a Canadian zoologist predicted scientists will create new types of animals that don’t exist today. If I was a scientist I would create a bird that looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, but it’s NOT a duck. I would do this just to shut up people who say that thing about how to tell if something is a duck.
PIZZA PARTICULARS: A new study shows Canadians are eating more pizza than ever before. Pizza is Nature’s way of apologizing for everything else.
FANTASTIC PLASTIC: According to a report, there’s a big surge in plastic surgery for men. I was going to get a nose job. But then I decided my old nose has done an excellent job of keeping my eyes apart.
SUE! A New York woman is suing the makers of Canada Dry Ginger Ale, it does not contain actual real ginger. I’m going to sue the makers of my undershorts. I’m very mad. Fruit of the Looms contain no actual real fruit.
MAMMA MIA MEMO: Peace Country theatres showed Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again. During the movie the audience sings along with the songs. I felt kind of cheated. The guy sitting next to me was faking it by lip syncing.
